How to co-regulate with your child over the holidays
The Christmas holidays are upon us which, for most, means much more family time! This time of year is lots of fun and supposedly a time to relax, however it also is a time where we are out of routine, there is less predictability and it is HOT (in Australia at least!). It is important to be able to support your child through co-regulation, especially over this period.
Coregulation refers to the process by which children learn to soothe and manage distressing emotions and sensations through their connection with nurturing and reliable adults. In other words, through modelling, teaching and coaching, co-regulation leads to a child eventually being able to regulate themself. This blog seeks to provide guidance on how to effectively support your child and offers strategies to prevent challenging situations from arising.
Tips to become a co-regulating pro!
Being self-aware
The first step towards being able to offer support to your child is to understand your own regulatory techniques and triggers. If your child observes you using regulatory techniques, like breathing exercises and drinking cold water, they will learn to implement them into their lives.
When your child is becoming distressed or heightened, it is important to maintain your sense of calm when supporting your child; remembering that emotions are contagious and that during this time you are modelling emotional control.
Validating your child's emotions and experiences
In a time of distress, it is essential to connect with your child in order to reassure them that they are safe. You can do this by getting on their level (below eye level), lowering your hands and reducing your volume and verbal input. During this time, you should label and validate the emotion and experience your child is having; regardless of the reason for these emotions and feelings. By doing this you are helping them to understand how they are feeling. An example of this is saying, “I see that you are upset right now” or “I can see that you are finding this challenging and that is making you angry”.
Provide a safe space and regulatory strategies
During times of dysregulation, as the reliable adult you should provide a safe space for your child to go to. You can also reduce communication and demands and understand that your child may need some time to become regulated. Your child may need to cool down, so be able to provide ice packs, icy poles or a room with an aircon.
For post melt-down, have calming regulation activities available in order to support the child back to their base line. These are unique to each child's preference, but could include weighted blankets or body socks, tight squeezes, gentle rocking/swinging, dimming the room, cooling the environment, calming visual input (fairy lights or lava lamp), a space to hide or escape, or preferred foods (crunchy, salty or sour).
Thinking ahead over the holidays!
Here are some tips to set you and your family up to avoid stress and overwhelm over the holidays. Most of your effort should be in preventing a meltdown! It is much easier to prevent a meltdown before it happens rather than trying to manage the meltdown as it is happening.
IMPORTANT: Meltdowns are not a time to teach a lesson. During a meltdown, a person's thinking brain switches off, which means that the survival or ‘animal’ brain is in control.
Preparation: Prepare for what environment you will find you and your child in. You may need to consider the fluorescent lighting at the shops, the cuddles from aunties and uncles your child has only ever met once before or the sand at the beach.
Predictability: Make your holiday activities predictable. This means if you know you are going to an event make sure your child is aware of the date and time. You could have this information on a family calendar or written on the fridge.
Consistency and Communication: Following on from being predictable, you need to be consistent. If you say we are going to the beach tomorrow, you need to do that, otherwise explain why something has changed. “We aren’t going to the beach in the morning any more because it is too windy, we can go after lunch instead if the wind has dropped off”. Remembering that more information is better than less.
Give choice and control (within reason): Giving your child the opportunity to express their wants and needs by giving them some choice and control can help prevent overwhelm; for example, letting them choose if you have dinner in the lounge room or outside! Doing this will help reduce anxiety and let them feel in control and avoid them seeking control back at a later point. It also helps promote self advocacy for their preferences!
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